Post by MultipleMinds on Nov 23, 2013 1:08:06 GMT -5
Trigger Warning: Angry Rant, ED, talk of SH, low self esteem, possibly giving up
I guess there's not more hiding it, or denying it, or even faking okay anymore... I'm not okay. I have a problem. I am Anorexic and Bulimic. There I said it. I am hurting myself, and now Oaker, everyday from not eating and throwing up everything that I manage to eat. I'm sorry! I don't know what to do! Damn it! This is so much more difficult than I imagined. I feel dizzy, weak, unfocused, ect. everyday, and I'm tried of living like that. I want to be able to function normal. I know I'm probably malnourished from not eating for so long. I get weaker by the day. I can't fight it. I've tried for years now to cover up everything, but I've only made a complete mess of myself. Everyone around me is scared, and threating to put me in some kind of lunny house. I don't know why I do it. I don't know when it even started or why. I just know that it can't continue. I'm not a drama queen. I didn't do this for attention, but I'm not a lunatic. I didn't do this for no reason. But the reason doesn't seem to matter anymore. I almost died today, and it scared the hell out of me. I'm not ready to die. I don't want to die. I only wanted something I felt in control of. But nothing's in my control. I don't know what I was thinking. I've tried to stop. I have, but I can't do it. I always go back to the urges. I tried imitating Oaker's voice today and asking her mom to join some group for this, but she just blew it off. She didn't even listen for her own daughter's cry for help. I'm so depressed right now. I don't know what will help. I hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I talk, just the way I am, but I can't seem to change or get a hold of myself either. Every step takes me ten steps backwards. I'll never achieve anything like this. Oaker almost died today too from me. I did it again. I made her throw up her food. But I couldn't get it to work at first and so I nearly inserted her whole hand in her esophagus. I could've easily killed us without even realizing it. Her mother pointed out the other day that I'm not only throwing up her food, but her medicine too. That's why she's been so crazy lately. She can't even think straight because too much is going on around her. I'm trying really hard to not to go throw up right now. I have such a bad urge. I know it's not right. None of it is right. I'm so sorry Piper. I know you've been on my case for years trying to get me to stop, but I've never listened. I knew it was dangerous. I knew what I was doing. I'm smart but God I can be so dumb. Now I'm stuck. What do I do now?
-LJ
